Conversations are two-way: what we share with others provokes a reaction, reflection, and response in them that in turn we react to.

Ideally, upon sharing our inner thoughts & feelings with someone, we want them to listen well and make us feel like they understand and support us. But what if those expectations aren’t met? And the other way round, how can we make sure we don’t feel overwhelmed or react 'wrongly' when someone approaches us and shares their struggles?

How to react when someone talks about their mental health

When a colleague or friend comes to us with a problem or a challenge they are facing, it can be difficult to know how to respond. Especially when that challenge is about something as personal as their mental health.

We might have even noticed a change in the person ourselves, or spotted a sign that they are going through something, yet we struggle to reach out for fear of saying the 'wrong' thing or making it worse.

What can be really helpful in these situations is to try and put yourself in the other person’s shoes and think about what you would want if you were the one struggling.

Here are a few simple tips:

• Be genuine. Being supportive does not mean you need to have all the answers to the problem. Often, it is more helpful for the other person just to know that you care.
• Stick to the facts. Unless they ask for it, try not to impose your opinion or beliefs on the person. Instead focus on the facts of what they’ve told you.
• Help them with next steps. Start by asking them how they want to move forward. Often the person already has a few ideas. If not, suggest some good signposting resources.
• But don’t force it. It’s okay if they are not ready to get further support right away. Approaching you has already been a great first step, so let them know that.
• Be available. It's essential that you are consistent in your support. As much as you can commit to follow-up on any actions and agree a specific time and date for doing so.
• Do some research. It’s totally normal if you don’t immediately know everything about their situation or how to help them. Take some time and do some research. 

So, what does it mean to listen actively & empathically?

Sometimes we can get swept up in trying to “fix” the problem, that we forget to really listen to what the person is saying. We are already thinking three steps ahead and prepare a reply in our heads instead of giving them the space to truly tell us how they feel.

Active listening means to truly listen with people. Empathic listening means to truly feel with people while you listen to them. It’s about giving them the space to be heard and understood.

Your underlying message should be clear: “I understand your problem & how you feel right now. I am interested in what you are telling me and I am not judging you.”

Having empathy is not the same as having sympathy

How to be a better listener

Ask open-ended questions. The best way to stay non-judgmental and lead an open conversation is to avoid closed questions.

Think of yourself as a mirror. Try and repeat the person’s thoughts and feelings back to them. This can help confirm your understanding and encourages them to continue with their message.

Show acceptance. While you don’t have to necessarily agree, it’s important you show them that you accept what they are saying. Do this by nodding or injecting phrases such as ‘I see’ or ‘I understand’.

Pay attention to body language. Often there is something to be learned from what is not being said. Try to also read the person’s body language.

Give them space. You do not have to fill every pause and quiet period. Give them the time and space to gather their thoughts and continue when it suits them.

Watch your posture. If you want to seem trustworthy and warm, try to adopt a relaxed posture with open arms and constant eye contact.